


taz commitment coffeeshop au

by joanneofsnark



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Gen, Multiple Crossovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:14:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24686731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joanneofsnark/pseuds/joanneofsnark
Summary: I thought Commitment was very good, actually.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 14





	taz commitment coffeeshop au

Three dads walk into a Starbucks. It kind of looks like the bar from _Always Sunny_. There is an impossibly large armored person in the back holding a Tall Matcha Green Tea Frappuccino. Rust-colored clay is leaking from their joints and a little red bird rests on their shoulder. This person will never be brought up again because they are in the wrong story. Clint McElroy is wiping down the bar with a stretched-out jpg. Griffin McElroy, Justin McElroy, and Magnus Burnsides take their seats. Magnus takes out a glass mug full of dice.

“Not so fast, Magnus Burnsides,” Clint McElroy says, “We’re using Roll20 this time around. So you can’t fudge your rolls anymore.”

“Well, tits,” says Magnus Burnsides.

“Daddy, tell us a story.” Griffin McElroy leans onto the bar with his elbows and rests his chin in his hands. It would be adorable were he not pushing 35.

“Well son, it all started when Benjamin Franklin became King of America.” Clint McElroy places a drink in front of each of his sons and presses a button on his jpg. The three boys get sucked into the cups and the drinks are left wobbling on the counter.

***

Three soon-to-be superheroes walk into the bar from _Always Sunny_. Duck Newton is sitting in the back with a black coffee because I wanted him to be in this story. He tips his hat at the three superheroes and then disappears, leaving his coffee on the table. Remy, much like myself, is very worried that Duck’s coffee will get cold. Despite this, Remy approaches the bar. A barista wearing a green apron smiles at him.

“Hi welcome to Starbucks, what can I get you?” The barista has long dark hair and is wearing tiny glasses on the end of her nose. Her pockets appear to be stuffed full of cashews.

“Grande Pike Roast please? Lots of room for cream?” Remy says.

Behind him, Nadiya rolls her eyes. “Remy, we’re not actually here for coffee, we’re here for the secret room behind the counter.”

The barista's eyes widen. “Oh, you’re here for the cult meeting? Why didn’t you just say so?” A trap door opens up in the floor right next to Remy. “Go down that hole, you’ll find everyone there.”

Irene claps her hands together. “Wonderful! Thank you so much!”

“No problem!” The barista nods and gestures to the trapdoor, “Be safe down there.”

***

A Shapeshifter, a Jumpman, and Kardala walk into a nondescript coffee shop. Two identical elves sit in the back of the room and judge you, the reader, personally. The one in the big floppy hat takes a long sip of his Venti Strawberry Açaí Refresher and tells you, the reader, personally, to fuck off. His sister laughs at you and takes a bite out of her cake pop. The elves have deemed you a six out of ten.

“I can’t believe that cult meeting gave us superpowers,” Jumpman says.

“I can. I’m the smartest person in the room and I think you’re a dumbass for not considering the possibility,” says the Shapeshifter.

“The puny human and the demon need to stop their arguing.” Kardala strides up to the counter and directly addresses Hollis AdventureZone, “Have you any Stromboli?” Hollis does not answer Kardala because I cannot possibly write dialogue cool enough for Hollis to say. Clearly this bar is only for cool people. Upon realizing this, Remy immediately winks out of existence. Clint McElroy appears from the back, shaking out a used jpg.

“Thank you for manning the counter, friend Hollis.” They nod and skateboard over to the twin elves. Hollis says something cool and the three of them wink out of existence, allowing Remy to re-enter the coffee shop.

“That was awesome!” Says Jumpman, “I went into the void!”

“Yes, well…” Clint McElroy sets the jpg on the counter. “Unfortunately, I’m going to have to send you right back there. The world was not ready for The Adventure Zone: Commitment. I love the three of you very much, perhaps even more than my own sons.”

“That’s understandable,” says the Shapeshifter.

“I shall weep for our demise,” Kardala declares.

“No Kardala, this is no demise.” Clint McElroy hands each of them a paper cup. “This is simply a goodbye for now.” The three superheroes get sucked into the cups, which drop on the ground and wobble in place. 

Duck Newton enters the scene. “Need me to help you pick these up, Clint?” He retrieves his now-cold coffee and rests a hand on his hip.

“No, no, Duck, I’m perfectly alright.” Clint McElroy phases through the counter like a ghost and bends down to pick up the cups. “As a matter of fact, would you mind fetching those three cups with the green labels? My son Travis is coming in today.”

“You got it, partner.” Duck Newton walks off into The Sunset, because that’s the name of this coffee shop.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Hope this brought a smile to your face :)


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